May 11th, 2016
I think I've come to realize something about my ED. That is, before I had one, I disliked myself; who I was. I mean, I liked some things, but I really didn't respect myself or see myself as worthy. I saw myself as boring, average, stupid, lame, unpopular, and, well, worthless. I so wanted to stand out, be special, yet at the same time be like the other girls I admire; the skinny ones, the "beautiful" ones, the smart ones, that actress or singer or reality star. I felt like I just didn't quite measure up. I remember, for instance, once when I was in my preteen years, getting picked up from school and enjoying an afternoon snack of a honey bun. I thought to myself "Maybe I should eat less", but then shrugging it off, saying I could always start tomorrow (with no real intention of doing so). And that was that. I didn't really think I could change, either my body or my personality. But personality-wise, I would try so hard, especially at the start of each school year (until I was about fourteen or fifteen). I can see in past journals, me trying to decide what person (real or fictional) I would try to be like. The thing was, I didn't just want to be like them, I wanted, in a sense, to become them. Don't get me wrong- I think having role models is normal, even healthy, so long as you still value yourself and can distinguish key characteristics or traits to try and incorporate into who you already are.
Back to my ED. When I, at seventeen, began to change my behavior toward food and exercise, and SEE changes in my body, something shifted in my head. I realized that I could control and change my body to be more what I considered "ideal". For the first time, I felt like I could be someone else, someone other than "boring ole' me", "stupid me"..."fat me". Not valuing who I was was a very key mistake I made.
Now I realize that while, yes, I may have some control over how I look, changing how I look by starving myself, by hurting my body, by having ED, I in fact lose control of myself. The real me. The precious me. I become lost and taken over by monsters. Monsters that make me and those who love me miserable. In getting better, in healing, I am discovering my true being. I am finding out what makes me me. And that's exciting. Really exciting.
I'm trying not to cry, reading this. I sense these words come from a place of such deep, hard-earned wisdom. Incredibly powerful. I feel so lucky to know you and to see you discovering yourself like this...wow, I am so excited, and inspired. I think you've learned something most everyone needs to rediscover, something society tries to strip from us. You're such an incredibly special soul. Thank you so much for sharing <3.
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