Too Stupid

Writer's block.
Hate.
Words. Sentences. Themes. Ideas.
Nothing.


 I love stories; always have. Whether written or told or conjured up in my own head, I love them. I like funny ones, inspiring ones, weird ones, exciting ones, and all the rest. So when I lose access to stories, it really irritates me. It's like when you just lost a tooth and your tongue keeps feeling where it was. I keep coming back to the same problem: writing. I don't handle writer's block well. This has been the worst case that I have ever had. In fact, I'm not even sure I've had writers block before. Well, I guess I'm making up for it since it has been going on for months. And I know what you're going to say: "Write whatever pops into your head", "just force yourself to write", etc. These are great ideas normally, IF you have general idea of at least the kind of writing you want to do, or you have a real passion. I tried writing whatever popped into my head, and this is what happened:

*The following is actual written work by yours truly*

" Sunday, May 7th, 2017:

Rocks Rocks Rocks. I used to collect rocks. From the beach, mostly. I wonder what happened to all those rocks.
Bees. I haven't been stung by a bee since I was a toddler. It was at the cottage. Brain feels blank. Blank. Blank page, blank blank. The word sounds funny now. Funny. Haha. Heehee, rumble, tumble, glob glob, snort. Monkey. Monkey poo. Those cookies taste good. Nicole likes snicker doodles. If I remember correctly, I don't.
Nickels, dimes, no more pennies. Dot dot dot...Leaves. Fall. Green, yellow, orange, red, brown. Curry. Rice, risotto, pavlova. Don't think I've had that.
Inspiration, inspiration. Got to find some inspiration. Write to Sarah. Yes! That's it! Write to Sarah! What do I write? Questions, lists, hopes, dreams, favourites...Margarine. We never have margarine. Kool-Aid. Try to tye-dye with that. Didn't work well. Too bad, so sad. Dye wool. Fibre. Spin Fibre. Spinning, dizzy, fall, laugh. Moss. Green. Too cool for school. I sort of miss elementary school. Maybe I just miss being that age."


...yeah. Thankfully, it ends there. More like a list if you ask me. A strange, slightly creepy list, but a list all the same. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I AM ALONE.

You know something I really want to talk about? Figuring out life. I don't even mean philosophically speaking. I'm so confused with this whole "being an adult" thing. Yes, I know, "you can always be a kid". But there are limits. Are you really okay with a thirty-year-old not understanding basic things like how to write cheques, pay and actually understand insurance? Are you okay with being pelted by endless questions that don't make much sense? Are you ready to try explaining how to fly alone, pay bills, explain how bills and taxes work? Are you able to explain it in such basic terms that a small child would understand? If you aren't cute and young, annoying childhood behavior becomes all the more infuriating. But guess what? I may not be thirty, but I don't understand a lot of the stuff I just mentioned. I don't know how leases work. I am pretty dense about basic political stuff, I don't have a clue about international travel, and I usually over-tip because I have no idea what the appropriate amount is and I don't want to insult or offend people. There are also loads of other things about the world that I don't even know how to ask the questions.
People don't seem to understand how detailed and broken down I need the steps to be. And SHOW me, don't just write it down. I might be a reader, but I'm not the best and learning complex things that way. You know IKEA instructions and how everyone seems to hate them? I love them. I love assembling furniture. I find it both satisfying and fun to work on while listening to an audiobook or watching a video. I'm getting off-topic. My point is, I need things to be simplified to such an extent that your average ten-year old would understand. I need diagrams, I need examples, I need someone to walk me through each step. I used to ask so many questions, that at one point, I was put on a limit. Why am I like this? I have no idea. Am I extremely naiive? Am I not engaged in society enough? Do I not read the right material? No matter what the reason is, I feel stupid. (I typed "s-t-o-o-p" before realizing my mistake. good job.) I feel too stupid to talk to people. I feel underdeveloped and clueless. There are so many people in the world who have fought for the right to learn, and here I am, unable to process the necessities of every-day life.

Okay, I'm done. For now, at least. Sorry this post was a bit scattered and not really clear. I'm really not depressed, I'm just really frustrated sometimes. Have a great rest of the weekend!