I look around at other people my age and see them thriving. They're in school, or working, or getting married, and I'm stuck. I can't seem to overcome my Everest. I get angry, thinking about how much easier other people seem to have it. They deny it, but I've been on the other side. I used to wonder why people had such problems; why they couldn't be drawn out of whatever worried or saddened them. Now that I've been through my share of trials and despair, I get it.
Why did I have to get sick? Why did I have to be anxious? Why did I have to develop an eating disorder? Why did I have to lose so many friends? Why does the rest of my family have to live so far away? Why haven't I found someone to share my life with? Why can't I get a job? Why can't I stop having panic attacks and depression that cripples me? Why can't I get better?
I want to scream at the top of my lungs: "Where are you?"
It's getting harder. That's the bitter truth. My confidence and self esteem have been knocked down. Sometimes I get scared to go to bed, because I'm scared of waking up. I'm scared of having more panic attacks or depression. I'm scared if I tell someone how I feel, they will leave me. The sad part is, it's happened before. And the devil reminds me of that every chance he gets.
People keep saying that it's up to me; that I'm the only one who can give myself the motivation needed for recovery. But how am I supposed to get there? Do I have to hit rock bottom again?
I'm sorry I'm not as far along as I'd like. I'm sorry I still get scared. I'm sorry I still sometimes wish I were dead. I'm sorry I'm not the person I once was, or the person you want me to be.
I don't need you to say you're sorry. I don't need you to say that I'm being brave. I just need you to sit with me and watch a movie. I need you to tell me it's okay to cry. I need you to sip tea with me and talk about stupid stuff like makeup and the latest movie coming out. I need you to invite me over to play games or go shopping or colour. I just need you to be with me; to let me feel okay to just...exist with you. I need prayer, I need companionship, I need to feel like I have value. That I'm loved, not forgotten, and not a bother.
Sorry I'm not more perky. Believe me, I wish I was.
All my love,
sending you such love <3. i'm so sorry you've been having such challenges...i hope you find a little bit of sparkle in your life soon. it's hiding somewhere i know it! <3
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your heart Morrigan - it's hard to be that open and I appreciate your honesty. I know what it's like to not get 'healed' of your disease. But we will stand with you and pray for you. You are not alone. We love you.
ReplyDeleteMorrigan, I pray your mind, body, and spirit know the treasure you are in the midst of your pain. The unique "you", the place that no one else can fill. Praying strength for you in the midst of your weakness.
ReplyDeleteI love you Morrigan. I hope today brings a lighter feeling for you. *typed from bed* You are not alone and are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAmanda
I love you Morrigan. I hope today brings a lighter feeling for you. *typed from bed* You are not alone and are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAmanda
I am grateful for your courage to share and pray that you know God's love always and through it all.
ReplyDeleteDear Morri,
ReplyDeleteI will stand by you through this journey to health, always.
You have expressed powerful emotions with brilliance and a deep understanding that breaks my heart. I am so sorry for your suffering Morri. Life at times can seem very unfair. As a dear friend once wrote to me in 2009 in the midst of unimaginable challenges, 'May the power of hope surround all your thoughts and feelings'. Her words became my mantra and we persevered even though many times we wanted to give up.
Imagine what you want for your bright future in your heart. You are a young woman destined to bring great joy to people in her lifetime (you already do!) and experience all that life has to offer. Keep on the path towards healing. And please keep writing. Much love and friendship...xxxxx