When you have an eating disorder, your mind and emotions are kind of put on "hold" (at least in my case). That isn't to say that you never experience emotions of any kind. In fact, I don't think I've ever felt so scared, angry, or sad as I felt during the darkest times of my disorder. But the longer I had this "disease" festering inside of me, affecting my body as well as my mind, the more "numb" I became. I know some people who would give anything to become numb-to not feel the deep, deep despair that they deal with on a daily basis. I, too, would probably say the same thing if I were in their shoes. The only downside is that it also takes your joy. Everything feels frozen, put on hold, stuck. Your mind can't concentrate or be entertained by anything. Books, TV, movies, conversations. All of it becomes meaningless and dull. I couldn't laugh. Not only did I have a hard time seeing the humour in anything, but, because of my compromised state, my body also physically could not laugh without feeling overwhelmingly weak. During the last few weeks before entering hospital, my days mostly consisted of lying on the couch, watching TV, and sleeping on and off. I was frozen; mind, body, and soul.
Even several days and weeks in hospital I was frozen. Yet slowly, I began to "thaw". I began to feel bouts of hope, of peace, of joy. I started laughing again. I started telling jokes. I started reading ravenously and actually enjoying myself. I started to make conversation, to make friends. I started to feel more like myself, like Morrigan.
Even several days and weeks in hospital I was frozen. Yet slowly, I began to "thaw". I began to feel bouts of hope, of peace, of joy. I started laughing again. I started telling jokes. I started reading ravenously and actually enjoying myself. I started to make conversation, to make friends. I started to feel more like myself, like Morrigan.
It's now been a month since my discharge. I have felt more joy, more love, more encouragement than ever before. But, unfortunately, that's not all. With beginning to feel more, the feelings of sadness, of discouragement, of loneliness. Basically everything that was "put on hold" is now beginning to come back, and it feels strange, and overwhelming at times.
Thankfully, I'd consider myself a pretty positive person, and bad moods don't last long for me. But I also have a hard time crying, so I don't get a sense of release. I've tried watching sad movies to help, but they tend to just make me feel more sad, not cry. However, cry or not, the feelings usually pass and I can move on with my life. Don't get me wrong--it hasn't always been that way. In fact, in the past, I would easily let a bad mood ruin my entire day, sometimes days. But I have a new way of looking at things now. As my dad likes to say, "Every second can be a new start of your day". My mum and I actually used to pretend to rewind, or else get back into bed and "wake up" again. Now that I'm a little more resilient, I can more easily just accept that although in this moment I feel bad, it doesn't mean it will always be that way. I just have to keep reminding myself not to throw in the towel. Don't write the whole day off as a disaster. Live each moment at a time (boy, that sounds cheesy) and move on to the next.
So, any regrets? No. Not at all. Even though I might have to deal with some more sombre moments, I can laugh now. God's given me back all the smiles I thought I'd lost. And that makes up for all the sad times.
Have a great week!
xoxo,
Thankfully, I'd consider myself a pretty positive person, and bad moods don't last long for me. But I also have a hard time crying, so I don't get a sense of release. I've tried watching sad movies to help, but they tend to just make me feel more sad, not cry. However, cry or not, the feelings usually pass and I can move on with my life. Don't get me wrong--it hasn't always been that way. In fact, in the past, I would easily let a bad mood ruin my entire day, sometimes days. But I have a new way of looking at things now. As my dad likes to say, "Every second can be a new start of your day". My mum and I actually used to pretend to rewind, or else get back into bed and "wake up" again. Now that I'm a little more resilient, I can more easily just accept that although in this moment I feel bad, it doesn't mean it will always be that way. I just have to keep reminding myself not to throw in the towel. Don't write the whole day off as a disaster. Live each moment at a time (boy, that sounds cheesy) and move on to the next.
So, any regrets? No. Not at all. Even though I might have to deal with some more sombre moments, I can laugh now. God's given me back all the smiles I thought I'd lost. And that makes up for all the sad times.
Have a great week!
xoxo,
Oh my love this made my day to read.
ReplyDeleteWow. Very powerful.
ReplyDelete