A little blue, but a little sunshine

I'm feeling a little blue today. The reasons why are simple, yet at the same time complicated.
You see, after four years of living in the clutches of ED, my social life has suffered greatly. That, in addition to being a natural introvert has left me feeling more than a little excluded or somehow "different" from the rest of the people my age. I feel disconnected, separate, unable to fully engage in the social "norms" of your average person in their twenties. But, then again, looking back, I've always felt this way to a degree.
I started homeschooling when I was thirteen. The years that followed were some of the best, and worst, years of my life. While I loved the learning part of homeschooling (and my introverted self loved not comparing myself to others or having to interact when I didn't want to), I often found myself as an outsider when I was thrust into social interactions. The other homeschoolers all seemed to know each other, whereas I only knew a few, and my school friends would understandably talk about things that happened in school. Still, I had friends, and a couple really close ones.
When I developed my ED, a few things coincided with it. One being various people I was very close to moving away, and another being that I was finding myself drawing further and further away from any friends I cared about. My ED took up all my time. And any energy I had left was precious.
After about four years of wrestling with ED and insecurities, I finally have started to heal. Now I actually ENJOY being with people (well, one or two at a time-it's not like my whole personality has changed!) But the friends I assumed I'd have as soon as I began to get better have moved on. It's not like I've been ostracized or anything, but the blunt truth is this: while I was stuck in a limbo, almost frozen in my body and mind, my friends were still going on with their lives (as they should have!) and growing and turning into their adult-post-high school selves. Friends that I thought I'd have for life are simply in a different place now. I rarely see my friends from school, and when I do, it can feel awkward because of the time spent apart. I do have a couple friends I've made post-school age, but many of them are older, have children and grandchildren at that! They are from church, or knitting group, or some other activity that most twenty-somethings would not be interested in. While it's good to have friends of a variety of ages, I also know that it would be good to spend time with people my own age.
One of my close friends lives across the country, and I maybe see her every couple of years, The rest of the time we rely on letters (yes, the "old-fashioned" kind), texts, e-mails, etc. My other close friend thankfully lives in town, and I try to see her every week, as she brings me great joy and I love her company. I am very thankful to have her as a friend. But the pain, the emptiness over the sort of "loss" over previous friendship still stays with me, makes me break down into either quiet tears or full on sobs of grief.


It's a couple hours later now and I'm feeling better. I had to get my blood taken and other tests done this morning, and then I got to talk to my amazing sister over the telephone. The sun also decided to come out from behind the clouds, which always manages to cheer me up. Life's kinda funny that way, you know? I mean, sure, as soon as I get reminded about the pain felt earlier it will probably hit me again. But for now, I'm happy. And all we have is now. So I'm going to enjoy it.
xoxo,