A New Start
...Again?
April 22nd, 2016
I've been mulling it over for weeks now. Recovery. Even typing that word is hard. I guess because there's an underlying fear of failing...again. Allow me to explain:I've been struggling with an eating disorder for a few years now, and it all seems to be coming to a head. My body is physically very weak, and my mind is also suffering from lack of nourishment. So I'm sorry if these posts seem a tad disjointed or confusing. It's difficult to gather my thoughts enough to form coherent sentences and express ideas. Basically, I believe I've hit the bottom. I no longer can do about half the things a "normal" person my age can (such as socialize for longer than a half hour, get dressed without feeling wiped, etc,) And for what? What do I get out of this eating disorder, besides the body I think I want? I want more out of life than that. More importantly, I KNOW God wants more for me than that. But I know I can't do it alone. And I hope that, someday, somehow, maybe sharing my story will encourage or enlighten others. Not just those with eating disorders either; friends, family, and strangers will hopefully enjoy and gain insight. I hope to share some of my journaling (I journal a LOT!), some mental exercises and experiences, etc with you. But don't worry! I DON'T want this blog to turn into being all about eating disorders! Or even mental illness. It merely will in part. I still plan to write out the occasional craft, lifestyle tips, experiences, reviews, etc that I had been. This is just an add on. Feel free to come along. Before you do, please know and be aware that I will not be mentioning numbers in regards to weight, calories, sizes, or anything to do with my or others' physical appearance. I've found such things to be really triggering in my own life and I would hate to hinder anyone in their personal journey.
So, here we go. Not sure what else to write, so I'll sign off for now. Also not sure when I'll put this up, but it was written on April 22nd, 2016. Happy Earth Day!
xoxo,
Morrigan
Saturday, April 30th, 2016
I suppose now is as good a place as any to start. I was admitted into hospital on Tuesday, after waiting in ER for most of the day. It's Saturday now and already I feel better. I'm on the Cardiac Ward, so they can keep a close eye on my physical well-being until I am at least stable enough to be put on the "Head Ward" as I like to call it. I'm on a tube feed 24/7, so I have a funny yellow tube coming out of my right nostril, whom I have named "Beth" after the beloved character from "Little Women". I named the machine Eugene.
The first day or two were the hardest in some ways because I was so weak that even using the toilet and sitting up in bed was exhausting. I still have to use a wheelchair to get around, but I can actually write without too much trouble or strain. My parents have been gems! My dad just sat with me while I slept on one of the days, but now I can actually carry out a conversation with since. And my good ole' Mum has been bringing me magazines and flyers to look through. Yesterday she brought me out to the garden and we got to enjoy watching some honeybees suck nectar from the lavender plants in the patient's garden. I got to go out again today.
Nights can be hard because it is then that I am most homesick. I miss being in my own room, the familiar sounds, and it has been hard adjusting to the strange noises here. Not to mention my dog. Who would've thought I'd miss that ball of fluff's smelly odour? Haha!
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. At least according to Kelly Clarkson. But I think it's a choice. Last night I was ill and I just wanted to cry like a baby for my mummy. But then I thought how much power I would potentially be ripping away from myself and God. Instead I pleaded with God. I begged for strength and comfort in HIM. And you know what? I got through. Not only that, but now that's one more thing I know God can carry me through. He loves me. He's not out to get me! During the day, when I feel myself growing impatient or overwhelmed by all the waiting and I just want to complain, I try to take a deep breath (or two...or eight...) and ask that God give me the peace and the calm to see it through the next minute. That's all I have to do- get through the next second, the next moment. Some moments are better than others. But I know that God NEVER gives us more than we can handle.
I also got to enjoy a phone call from a beloved friend of mine last night, and for the first time in a WHILE I was not completely drained by it. In fact, she made me smile and feel hopeful, energized, even. Count those moments. Pretty soon they start to outnumber the bad ones.
The first day or two were the hardest in some ways because I was so weak that even using the toilet and sitting up in bed was exhausting. I still have to use a wheelchair to get around, but I can actually write without too much trouble or strain. My parents have been gems! My dad just sat with me while I slept on one of the days, but now I can actually carry out a conversation with since. And my good ole' Mum has been bringing me magazines and flyers to look through. Yesterday she brought me out to the garden and we got to enjoy watching some honeybees suck nectar from the lavender plants in the patient's garden. I got to go out again today.
Nights can be hard because it is then that I am most homesick. I miss being in my own room, the familiar sounds, and it has been hard adjusting to the strange noises here. Not to mention my dog. Who would've thought I'd miss that ball of fluff's smelly odour? Haha!
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. At least according to Kelly Clarkson. But I think it's a choice. Last night I was ill and I just wanted to cry like a baby for my mummy. But then I thought how much power I would potentially be ripping away from myself and God. Instead I pleaded with God. I begged for strength and comfort in HIM. And you know what? I got through. Not only that, but now that's one more thing I know God can carry me through. He loves me. He's not out to get me! During the day, when I feel myself growing impatient or overwhelmed by all the waiting and I just want to complain, I try to take a deep breath (or two...or eight...) and ask that God give me the peace and the calm to see it through the next minute. That's all I have to do- get through the next second, the next moment. Some moments are better than others. But I know that God NEVER gives us more than we can handle.
I also got to enjoy a phone call from a beloved friend of mine last night, and for the first time in a WHILE I was not completely drained by it. In fact, she made me smile and feel hopeful, energized, even. Count those moments. Pretty soon they start to outnumber the bad ones.
Love you, Morri. Thanks for sharing the moments. May you continue to know God surrounding and holding and carrying you in all the moments to come.
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