Imagine growing a second head over the course of six months. It's bizarre and unfamiliar. You try to cover it, you try to dress it up and show it love, but the fact remains: it's out of place and overwhelming. People don't come right out and say it, but you know they notice it too. Some days you can ignore and almost forget about it, and just when you think you've moved on, you catch a glimpse of your reflection, and it sends you into a whirlwind of panic, anger, and dissolve into tears.
This is kind of what it's been like for me for the past few months. A lot of changes in such a short period of time is incredibly hard to adjust to. I can't shop for clothes, because every time I try, I leave feeling worthless, ugly, and like I'm trapped in a stranger's body. It essentially sends me into deep despair. It's not just about how I look; it's about how I feel in my own skin: uncomfortable.
On top of all this, I've also been dealing with depression. It's not always a sadness, it's a numbness. It's a dull feeling. I find no joy or interest in anything. I'm empty. Everything seems pointless, boring, exhausting, and/or overwhelming. I won't know what to do with myself. I just want it all to be over. I'm not suicidal, I just wish I was dead. There's a difference. It's hard to find any motivation, and being social feels next to impossible. I just want to hide in my room and be alone. It takes everything to reach out; to call someone, to go out. It's not that I don't love my family and friends. It's that I feel physically ill and too exhausted to paste a smile on my face. I'm terrified to show any negative emotions, so I do my best to hide them. Sometimes it's too much.
I don't know why I feel this way. I wish I didn't. I wish I could just "snap out of it", but the fact is, I can't. I know it's not my fault, but it sure feels like it.
I'm so sorry that this isn't more positive; I just really wanted to let you know what's been going on.
Love to all of you, and as always I appreciate your prayers.
