I look around at other people my age and see them thriving. They're in school, or working, or getting married, and I'm stuck. I can't seem to overcome my Everest. I get angry, thinking about how much easier other people seem to have it. They deny it, but I've been on the other side. I used to wonder why people had such problems; why they couldn't be drawn out of whatever worried or saddened them. Now that I've been through my share of trials and despair, I get it.
Why did I have to get sick? Why did I have to be anxious? Why did I have to develop an eating disorder? Why did I have to lose so many friends? Why does the rest of my family have to live so far away? Why haven't I found someone to share my life with? Why can't I get a job? Why can't I stop having panic attacks and depression that cripples me? Why can't I get better?
I want to scream at the top of my lungs: "Where are you?"
It's getting harder. That's the bitter truth. My confidence and self esteem have been knocked down. Sometimes I get scared to go to bed, because I'm scared of waking up. I'm scared of having more panic attacks or depression. I'm scared if I tell someone how I feel, they will leave me. The sad part is, it's happened before. And the devil reminds me of that every chance he gets.
People keep saying that it's up to me; that I'm the only one who can give myself the motivation needed for recovery. But how am I supposed to get there? Do I have to hit rock bottom again?
I'm sorry I'm not as far along as I'd like. I'm sorry I still get scared. I'm sorry I still sometimes wish I were dead. I'm sorry I'm not the person I once was, or the person you want me to be.
I don't need you to say you're sorry. I don't need you to say that I'm being brave. I just need you to sit with me and watch a movie. I need you to tell me it's okay to cry. I need you to sip tea with me and talk about stupid stuff like makeup and the latest movie coming out. I need you to invite me over to play games or go shopping or colour. I just need you to be with me; to let me feel okay to just...exist with you. I need prayer, I need companionship, I need to feel like I have value. That I'm loved, not forgotten, and not a bother.
Sorry I'm not more perky. Believe me, I wish I was.
All my love,
