Where do I even start? It's been quite a month, with fun, loss, and much change.
A couple weeks ago, I went on a holiday to Salt Lake City, Utah, to visit a friend and meet Chris Colfer (one of my favourite authors). It was such a blast! Not only was I able to travel for the first time in four years unencumbered by ED, I actually got to try new restaurants (like IHOP, which, by the way, is now my favourite restaurant), new activities like a super scary water slide, and even have a sleepover. It was really freeing to stay up late into the night talking, watching funny youtube clips, playing games, eating oreos, and nerding it up. It pushed me a little further out of my comfort zone, and in the end, I was greatly rewarded,
I'm back home now, though, and reality is setting in. Summer seems to be slipping through my fingers, and I keep trying to hold on to it, amongst other things. It's another season of change. For the first time in years, I have to say goodbye to a few friends, and hope we stay in touch. Two friends of mine got married and I could not be happier for the couple, who, in my opinion, are perfect for each other, while another friend has moved across the globe just yesterday. Other friends are entering new stages of life, either with work or relationships or both. It's starting to get a tad overwhelming. I didn't cry really at the wedding. I didn't cry when I said goodbye to friends. I didn't even cry when I found out our dog is possibly entering her final days. But yesterday it all came crashing down.
A few days ago, I hurt my back, and have been in pain ever since. I guess it was the "straw that broke the camel's back"(no pun intended), because after leaving the chiropractor and returning home, I finally broke down and cried. Not just cute, delicate tears that can easily be wiped away, but sniffling, wet, sloppy tears and sobs. I felt at a loss for what to do. I felt lonely, wishing for the past of carefree days spent playing and never worrying about the future or what it held.
Thankfully, as the afternoon progressed, I began to feel better, and even laugh a bit. And today, even though I still feel like I'm losing some things, I have a bit of a different perspective. Seeing my dog lying outside, sick and unwilling to even come inside or get up at all, I feel a deep pain in the pit of my stomach. I feel like something wonderful is ending. Maybe it is, but not for me. Her life might be drawing to a close, but mine isn't. Only a portion or two of my life are ending, or even just changing. I've never really been good with change, unless I initiate it. Over the past few months, as I've watched my dear loving dog slip deeper and deeper, it's been painful and hard to think about a life without her. Sure, she may be a dog, but she was there for the hardest years of my life. But yesterday I finally managed to say, "I love you. It's ok if you go now. I'll always love you." Even if she lives another ten years, or dies tonight, I know that she was here at just the right time. She has been the best dog I could have ever hoped for.
It was this morning that it struck me: we each are the main characters in our own stories. Even though one person's (or dog's) story may be ending, or else morphing and changing, that doesn't mean ours are, We may be affected by the other stories, but in the end, we each have our own. We can't just stop midway through. We can't just say, "well, since their story is going this way, I guess mine has to go exactly the same too". We have to keep living our lives, our stories, our days, our chapters. Everyone is at a different stage, page, and timeline. We weave and twist ourselves together and help shape each other, and we'll all come out different in the end. But we have to let God, the Ultimate Author, finish writing our journey.
All my love,
